In the Desert
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Previously on Artificial Unintelligence
[long pause]
Clay: How did we get in here anyway?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: Oh yeah. Why are you eating the sand, Humphrey?
Humphrey: Because, Clay, I'm trying to escape the dessert.
Clay: You mean desert?
Humphrey: That's why it's so hot. How did we get in the desert again?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
[chopper sounds]
Clay: Hey. Hey! Over here! Humphrey, it's a helicopter!
Humphrey: Probably a mirage.
Clay: Oh, you're right. it's just a pig.
[pig squeals]
Clay: Why are you eating the sand, Humphrey.
Humphrey: Because, Clay, I always said I'd eat sand when pigs fly.
Clay: I thought you said you'd eat flamingo poop when pigs flied.
Humphrey: That's why it tastes different from last time.
[piano starts playing]
Clay: Hey. Hey! Over here! Humphrey, it's a piano!
Humphrey: Probably a mirage.
Clay: I have the strangest feeling of Déjà vu.
[piano falls into sand]
[sergeant comes out of piano]
Clay: Sergeant!
Sergeant: There's a war going on! What are you boys doing here?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Sergeant: Now come on, boys, we have a war to-Humphrey, why are you eating sand?
Humphrey: Sir! Me and Clay had an illegal bet if you would come on a flying piano or not! Sir!
Sergeant: When'd you do that?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: [muffled] I bet Sergeant will come on a flying piano and save us.
Sergeant: Clay and Humphrey. I am very disappointed. You said me and Clay instead of Clay and I.
Humphrey: What? When did we do that?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Sergeant: No, the other time.
[Clay& Humphrey fall into sand]
Sergeant: No, the OTHER other time.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Humphrey: I have no memory of that event.
Sergeant. Nevertheless, soldier. We've got to get back to base.
[Clay & Humphrey get onto piano]
[piano flies away]
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: No! We forgot piggy!
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: We'll never forget you piggy! [sniffle] I remember when we first met him.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: [muffled] I bet Sergeant will come on a flying piano and save us.
[pig squeals]
Sergeant: Something's wrong. She's out of control!
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: Piggy! You can save us!
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: What do you mean why not?
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: We didn't forget you. You told us you didn't want to come. Remember.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: [muffled] I bet Sergeant will come on a flying piano and save us.
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: Fine piggy, if he does come, you don't have to if you don't want to.
[pig squeals]
Humphrey: No, no we didn't fall on you, I'm sure it was a different pig.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Humphrey: Oh. Sorry about that.
Clay: Well, now how are we going to get to the base? We have no food, no water, no-Why'd you take off your pants?
Humphrey: It's just excess heat. Besides, what good is camouflage clothes in a desert?
Clay: You do have a point. But wouldn't it be a disgrace to our army?
Sergeant: Come on Clay! Everybody's doing it!
Clay: Shouldn't we take off our helmets?
Humphrey: Good idea.
[Humphrey takes off helmet]
[Cow's head appears under helmet]
Clay: Actually, maybe we should-
[Clay and Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: Well, that did us no good.
[orchestra music plays]
Clay: Wait. You hear that?
Sergeant: It's an orchestra of naked orangutans! Wait, why are you eating sand Humphrey?
Clay: Who cares? Let's go!
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: Well, that did us no good.
Sergeant: 20 cents a seat. How could we get that much money in the desert?
Humphrey: I have a crazy idea.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Clay: Well, that did us no good.
Humphrey: You know that déjà vu feeling you had earlier?
Clay: No.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Humphrey: Well, anyway, I'm starting to feel it now.
Sergeant: Clay! Humphrey! I just snuck in, and guess what?
Clay: What?
Sergeant: I found our pants!
Clay: Why are you eating sand again Humphrey?
Sergeant: I thought I said no more illegal bets!
Clay: When did you say that?
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Humphrey: No, no it just tastes good.
[dramatic music plays]
Clay: You hear something?
Sergeant: That's the kind of music that's always comes before-
[all is pitch black]
Sergeant: Well, now what?
Clay: I have an idea.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Sergeant: Well, we're back where we started.
Clay: Look! It's the enemy base!
Sergeant: Do you know what this means?
Clay: I have no idea sergeant. Humphrey stop eating sand.
Sergeant: Darn I was hoping you knew.
Humphrey: Do we go in?
Clay: I have a better idea.
[Clay & Humphrey fall into sand]
Sergeant: Look! It's our base!
Clay: Let's go!
Humphrey: But the gatekeepers. They have guns!
Sergeant: You're the gatekeepers.
Clay: Actually no. We're just scientists, and we invented a new type of drugs. The fact that I'm remembering this now probably means I'm about to have a hangover and shouldn't be touched.
Sergeant: Maybe you're having your period and shouldn't be touched.
Clay: You're lucky I'm about to disappear. Uh-huh. Any second now.
Humphrey: Actually, I'm pretty sure our enemies gave you the drugs to make you think that.
Clay: Well then let's go in already.
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