The Apocalypse part 1: The End of the Beginning
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[Clay is being chased by cops]
Clay: [while gasping for air] I bet you're wondering why I'm being chased by cops. No? Screw you, I'm telling the story anyway. I can't quite remember what the people looked or sounded like.
Cops: Freeze!
Clay: Hang on! Let me tell a story! It all began I was 2 years old. Of course, I mean dog years. Anyway, [story told with stick figures] It was a normal day. I was driving a stolen tank in the rain, randomly shooting out in the air. But then, I accidentally lowered the gun and drove over a splash and the water hit an old man.
Old man: I'm drowning!
Clay: Turns out, he was a cop. So I went to court to decide my fate.
Judge: Guilty! You will be sent to a high security prison for 70 years. Next case!
Clay: Not guilty.
Judge: What are you talking about? I haven't even asked you a question yet!
Clay: Your honor, in my defense I would like to say I did not say that, it was a Martian tree man.
Jury: We, the Jury would like to say you are the millionth case.
Judge: What's wrong with you? I was supposed to say that! Anyway, you receive a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's also good for 2 free shakes at Shakum's offer valid until November 10th 1922.
Clay: Really? Awesome! I love Shakum's!
Jury: We, the jury, also wants a coupon.
Clay: I thought that card would get me out of trouble. But I wasn't sure if it was worth it. I was to nervous ask if I could use it as a jail coupon and a Skakum's coupon. I asked my lawyer, who was a dead rat.
Judge: How do you plead?
Clay: Doing as my lawyer told me, I pleaded guilty. I thought I could just use the card to get out of jail.
Judge: Guilty! You will be executed within the premises in 48 hours.
Clay: I asked my lawyer if I could still use the card, but then I saw he was eaten by flies. In desperation, I complained. All that for stealing a tank?
Judge: Tank? What? No, you killed a cop. But now, you will be executed 4 times.
Jury: We, the jury, have to poop.
Clay: In the middle of the third execution, I had to escape. [returns to normal] And that's what I did.
Cops: Is the story over?
Clay: You weren't listening?
Cops: We only get paid to listen during negotiation.
[Clay runs in Sunflower base]
Larry: Hey, Clay. What's up?
Clay: No time to explain. All I can tell you is...
20 MINUTES LATER
Clay: And that's what happened.
Larry: You're being chased by the cops for stealing a tank and killing a cop?
Cops: We know you're in there! You are under arrest for littering!
Clay: We know! You were saying that every 20 seconds during story time!
MEANWHILE....
Surge: We should have a team name like the Sunflowers. Because we are the enemies of them, it has to be the opposite of it, but still related. [gasp] It's perfect! Team 2! Watch out Sunflowers!
MEANWHILE...
Cops: If you do not come out with your hands up, our bomb squad will activate a bomb!
Larry: Aren't they supposed to defuse bombs?
Cops: You mean, for 23 years- Aw screw it. They're gonna do it anyway!
Clay: They would never-
[explosion]
Clay: Hello? Anyone? [silence] Oh no! Everyone is dead! Stay cool, Clay, think about the positives. Hey! I bet there's no line for the bathroom! I can finally do things in there without being judged!
[in the bathroom]
Clay: [while holding toilet paper] Life sized toilet paper! Really, what did you think I was going to do? [silence] Who am I talking to? Now I think I'll...
[at park]
Clay: Go to an amusement park without a line! Hello, yes, I'd like a free ticket. I'm in the media. Ever hear of Kahedro Productions? [silence] Oh. Well, I have my wallet with me. So, what? I'm also in the army. You think I'm not talking to anyone? The standees that hand out tickets are still here. Now-
Cops: Wait, wait wait. Is this still part of the story?
Clay: No, this is the future. It's going to happen soon.
Cops: Oh. so, when did it start being the future?
Clay: It was at the beginning, when I started the story. I didn't start it yet.
Cops: When does it start?
Clay: I'm not quite sure. I can predict the future, but not when in the future.
Cops: Oh. Well, do you think we'll ever discover where babies come from?
Clay: Sorry, I don't take requests.
Cops: Well, this is boring. Let's keep chasing.
Clay: That's what we were doing.
Cops: Oh yeah.
Clay: [while gasping for air] I bet you're wondering why I'm being chased by cops. No? Screw you, I'm telling the story anyway. I can't quite remember what the people looked or sounded like.
Cops: Freeze!
Clay: Hang on! Let me tell a story! It all began I was 2 years old. Of course, I mean dog years. Anyway...
LATER...
[explosion]
LATER...
Clay: Life sized toilet paper!
LATER...
Clay: I'm in the army.
LATER...
Clay: Help me! Help me! I'm on fire!
EARLIER...
Clay: Help me! Help me! I'm on drugs!
EARLIER...
Clay: All my friends. I have to get them back somehow!
LATER...
Clay: I'd like to order the cast of Artificial Unintelligence. Huh? What do you mean I'm not supposed to know about it? That's the eight time this happened! Can't they just use a memory zapper or something? [flash] Help me! Help me! I'm on drugs! Oh wait. That's just a memory zapper. Wait. Where is everyone? I need somebody! I have to pee but I can't remember how!
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