The Missing Army
--------------------------
Clay: Something's different here
Humphrey: Yeah. Nobody's here.
Clay: Actually, I meant the whole it's pitch black thing. For all we know-
Sergeant: I don't care if anyone's here, what color it is, or even if there's feces smeared on the wall.
Humphrey: Sorry. I did that before we left.
Sergeant: Anyway, I left a turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving and I need to check on it.
Clay: A turkey?
Sergeant: Uh-huh.
Clay: In the middle of a Tuesday?
Humphrey: Let's look for people.
Clay: In the pitch black?
Humphrey: I have flashlights.
Clay: That's a pencil. Why don't we just yell-
Humphrey: No, no. These pencils have built-in flashlights.
Clay: That's not even-
[music plays]
Clay: That's not a built-in flashlight, it's a boom box buried in the desert that you choked on.
Sergeant: Oh my god!
Clay: Sergeant? Where are you? Are you OK?
Sergeant: I'm right here an I'm fine. I just wanted to practice my scream if I ever need it.
Clay: Why?
Sergeant: Anyway: I'm gonna check on those donuts.
Clay: Donuts?
Humphrey: He said he made them before he left.
Clay: He said Turkey.
Humphrey: It was donuts.
Clay: Let's ask.
Humphrey: Fine. What was it, Santa?
Clay: I meant ask the sarge.
Humphrey: Fine. Sergeant, what color is my underwear?
Clay: That's not what I meant.
Humphrey: Well, ask him what?
Clay: Sarge, what were you making before-
[explosion]
Clay: What was that?
Humphrey: I hope it was a pony!
Clay: You hope a pony made an explosion.
Humphrey: I always wanted one.
Sergeant: Oh my god!
Clay: What?
Sergeant: It exploded! Now it's falling from the sky!
Clay: What exploded?
Sergeant: The goldfish I put in the oven.
Humphrey: Yeah. Clay said it was a turkey, but I knew you said goldfish.
Clay: Shut up Humphrey, you said donut. Did you cook my goldfish Hammers?
Sergeant: Oh, heavens no. I put him into the microwave because I got confused from his name, but that's a different story.
Humphrey: Oh no. That means you cooked a bag of goldfish! You must have cooked Bage Jr.! He was the only one who understood me! Why?
Sergeant: No, the piano ate Bage Jr.. I cooked a shoe named goldfish.
8 hours later...
Sergeant: So... how about the weather?
Clay: What?
Sergeant: The weather?
Clay: I'm sorry, weather is not the result of staring at a solar eclipse unaided. Okay. This one is for Sergeant and for 500 points. What happ-
Humphrey: How come you never ask me any questions? I'm still at zero!
Clay: We gave you all the questions for the past 8 hours, and you didn't get any right.
Humphrey: You guys only pick each other. It's not fair.
Clay: Fine. For 500 points, what happens when you cook a shoe?
[long pause]
Humphrey: Could you use it in a sentence please?
Clay: What happened when Santa Claus put a shoe in the oven?
[long pause]
Humphrey: What is this question's origin?
Clay: This question card.
[long pause]
Humphrey: Could you use it in another sentence?
Clay: Just answer the question.
[long pause]
Humphrey: A leprechaun sniffs your sister's wig!
Clay: That's not the answer. That hasn't been the answer for any of the other 1,000 questions you got except what color is my underwear, and that wasn't your question.
Humphrey: I don't like this game.
Clay: Fine. Final score: Humphrey has zero points. Sergeant has zero points. The winner is Bage Jr. with 8,596,422 points. So, sarge, what do we do now?
Sergeant: Let's play the confession game. I'm not ac-
Humphrey: I wanna go first!
Sergeant: No, I have to say something very imp-
Humphrey: Not fast enough! Before a genie made me a soldier, I was a leprechaun. And once, I sniffed my sister's wig.
Sergeant: I have something to say. I'm- I'm not really a sergeant. My real name is Chris. Chris P. Jip.
Clay: Wait wait wait- hold on. Chris P. Jip? You're THE Chris P. Jip? You've been my idol ever since 26 an a half seconds ago!
Sergeant: I got to be a sergeant by killing everyone at the base and stealing the real sergeant's clothes.
Humphrey: You'll always be sergeant to me. Except, when you're not wearing his clothes. Or another sergeant comes. Or if the old one turns out to be an everlasting evil witch. Or if-
Clay: My real name's not Clay. I'm Ben. Ben D. Straw.
Humphrey: Well, you'll always be Clay to me. At least as long as you're made of it or it's your name or-
Clay: I'm not made of clay and it's not my name. I just told you that.
Humphrey: What?
Clay: Who are you really, Humphrey?
Humphrey: Humphrey.
Clay: No, it's not your real name. I can see a name tag and the last letter is an "N"?
Humphrey: How can you see? It's pitch black. Maybe we should turn on some lights.
[pause]
Humphrey: Okay! It's all a lie! My real name is Jennifer Ninja-samurai-robot-anime-son!
[long pause]
Clay: Well, on a less disturbing level, let's do anything else.
Sergeant: Well, I'm feeling lonely, let's look for some women.
Clay: What about Jennifer?
Sergeant: What about that he-she box of smaller boxes?
Clay: Picklefish are attacking us!
Sergeant: What?
Humphrey: Wait. In the desert, we made code words if we had emergencies.
Sergeant: Why didn't you just say the emergency? Wouldn't that be quicker?
Humphrey: Actually, that means he just go shot in the leg by an army of rotten, dark tomatoes in a pitch-black room and he has a diaper rash.
Sergeant: No! Don't die on me! He needs CPR!
Humphrey: CPR? For bullet wounds and diaper rashes?
Sergeant: No time to think about the proper action! Don't die on me!
[long steady beep]
Sergeant: No! Why? Wait- where is that beep coming from?
Clay: Is there someone else in here?
Sergeant: Clay! You're alive!
Clay: Of course. Humphrey, that meant my arm is asleep.
Humphrey: No time to take care of your diaper rash! Someone else is here! But who?
-------------------------------------------------------
This episode of Artificial Unintelligence was shot in front of a live studio audience