Death Comes for a Sleepover
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[loud footsteps]
Humphrey: What is that?
Clay: Seriously, I'm getting pretty tired of the whole "pitch black" thing.
[light turns on shows koala robot]
Humphrey: Ahhhh!
Clay: What is that?
Sergeant: It's some sort of koala!
Clay: I think it's a robot!
Sergeant: Now, why would there be a robot in an army base in the middle of the desert?
Clay: Why would there be a koala?
Humphrey: It's a traveling wig saleswoman!
Clay: What makes you so sure?
Humphrey: Because- It's my sister.
[dramatic music]
Humphrey: ...And daughter
[dramatic music]
Humphrey: And wife
[dramatic music]
Humphrey: And twice-removed second-and-a-half cousin. And bus driver. And pizza delivery lady. And-
Sergeant: Yeah, yeah. We get the idea.
[dramatic music]
Humphrey: Let's turn off the lights for no reason while I tell you the full, unnecessary, and disturbing
story. Once upon a time, In a torture room, in this very army base, somebody died. But, 1200 miles
away in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, another person died. This person, was the mother of
someone who has nothing to do with this story. Anyway, somewhere else, my sister, a koala died
before we were born. On a side note, even though we were twins, someone was dyeing in the Pacific
Ocean. On a different note, I swear I did not beat her to death before we were born. Anyway, I ended
up being born without being beat to death. My sister wasn't so lucky. Anyway, my mom died just after
my sister's head was taken out, barely alive. But, 12 and a half seconds later, I learned they could
attach a robot body to keep her alive. Sadly, all the robots were being used by war veterans to reenact
the first puppet show ever made with 12,000 robots. So, they gave me nuts, bolts and other stuff which
grew into robots. Then one of the robots turned the other one's on-off switch to off. Anyway, nine
months later, I had my own little robot. But now, I had to destroy what I created. I cut off its head so I
could put on my sister's. Then I realized the head couldn't survive nine months, so it was time for some
koala hunting. And that's why I'm late to work. [pause] Err, that's the story. Everyone lived happily
ever after. Except for the people who died. Later, my my dead mom became the president of Uranus.
Clay: I have a question. Can I buy the play on DVD?
Humphrey: Hang on, let me turn on the lights which will inevitably make me an excuse to not change your diapers.
[lights turn on/show sergeant is missing]
Clay: Where's sergeant?
Humphrey: Don't panic. Kari, stretch out your arm.
[Kari jumps up and down]
Humphrey: Kari still has some bugs. Kari, make me a donut and 12 oz. glass of 2% whole stretch out your arm.
[Kari stretches out her arm]
Clay: So her name is Kari?
Humphrey: No, her name is Sherman, but she responds to Kari. Kari, eat 9 1/2 pounds of moose droppings.
Clay: What does that mean?
Humphrey: I don't know, I wanted to see what would happen. Kari, engage self-destruct sequence.
Clay: What?
Humphrey: It means "track down our sergeant".
[explosion]
Humphrey: How many times have I told you, don't cook shoes Kari.
[explosion]
Humphrey: I forgot don't cook shoes meant activate self-destruct system.
Clay: Now what?
Humphrey: Now, we wait.
Clay: Why? What are waiting for? Shouldn't we look for-
Humphrey: Hush, my child. You see, Kari is a woman. As part of the glory of being a woma-
Clay: What are you talking about?
Humphrey: Women have a period lasting usually 2-3 days every week, where an egg inside of her becomes a pirate and tries to escape so it can look for booty. But, it needs special medication as advertised on the Static channel or it will die when it touches oxygen. But, in order of a robot who has been exploded, it will either fix itself, or do something else.
Clay: Every week? That was yesterday! How long until the next time.
Humphrey: 2000 years.
Clay: Do we have that kind of time?
Humphrey: Are you immortal?
Clay: I don't know. Let me check.
Humphrey: Actually, I think I have a better idea.
Clay: Okay, but I still want to check.
LATER....
[Clay & Humphrey fall into the desert]
Clay: Now what do we do?
Humphrey: Now re retrace our steps to the 3rd time it happened today where I saw him.
LATER...
[pitch blackness]
Clay: Why is it so dark in here?
Humphrey: Don't you recognize this place? This is your mom's attic.
Clay: Oh yeah.
Humphrey: By the way, wasn't she some crazy kook bent on turning everyone into a robot?
Clay: You're just telling me now? I thought it was normal.
Sergeant: Hello?
Clay: Sergeant!
Sergeant: Clay! Humphrey! Sorry I left in the middle of the story. Whatever happened to the koala? Was the play ever released on DVD?
Clay: That's what I asked.
Humphrey: So how'd you get here?
Sergeant: So there I was, in the mid-
Clay: I'm sorry, but I don't care how you got here.
Sergeant: Are you sure? It involves ninjas.
Clay: I'm sure it does.
Sergeant: You ever been robotificated? It's the best thing I ever done.
Clay: What? Why did you touch it.
Sergeant: I'm kidding! It's pitch black! I can't even see the circuits on my board!
Clay: Are you sure you didn't touch anything?
Sergeant: As sure as your logic component is failing [fake laugh]
Clay: FYI, I'm gonna turn on the lights, and randomly shoot at anything metallic.
[lights turn on]
[bullets shoot]
Humphrey: What was that for?
Clay: Sorry. So, I guess you didn't touch it and you're not a robot.
Sergeant: I didn't touch it. But I've always a robot. Join me in my quest to robotificate everyone.
Clay: M-mommy?
Sergeant: But this is a top-secret process so let me just get the lights....
[lights turn off]
[Humphrey screams]
Clay: Why did you scream?
Humphrey: I don't know.
Clay: Well, cut it out, it's giving me a head- [screams]
[Humphrey screams]
Clay: Aw, great. My pirate-egg escaped.
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